Get Real, Folks: Accommodation in Alice Springs

This article is meant to piss you off. 

It's also going to give you some help with what to expect when you book accommodation in Alice Springs.

I make no apologies for this post.

It comes about because am really tired of reading Trip Advisor reviews of accommodation in Alice Springs that say ridiculous shit like this:

...the room was not clean. There was a spider web in the top right hand corner of the 14 foot high cathedral ceiling. I would not stay here again...

Really? 

A spider web. NO spider observed, but there was a frikkin WEB way up high in the corner of a cathedral ceiling. This is a real review. You can see it here.

When I see reviews like this, I have to ask:

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRAVELLING?

Do you really spend all your time in your hotel room after spending in excess of $1800 USD to travel to the Australian outback just to look for freakin' spider webs on your hotel ceiling?

Do you realise what a complete tosser you sound like?

My other favourite: the décor was tired.

What exactly does this mean? I see it written in reviews of accommodation in Alice Springs a lot.

Do you mean that the paint on the walls was snoring loudly when you walked in? That the carpet moaned and sighed a lot?

Again: if you've just travelled half way around the world to visit the Red Centre, what the hell are you doing spending all your time in the hotel room? Get the hell out and see some desert!

So without further ado, here are some tips you absolutely need to know about Alice Springs hotels and accommodation.

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1. Lower Your Expectations

No matter what your ego tells you, you will not die if the bathroom is pastel avocado or apricot.

Nor will you suddenly expire if you stay in a 3 Star Hotel that's actually billed as '4 Star'.


Most 4 Star hotels in Alice Springs are really only very nice 3 Star hotels by international standards.

Shocking as this fact might be, it's absolutely true.


Get over it and enjoy your holiday instead.

2. Remember Where You Actually Are

For many people, coming to the Australian outback is a lifelong dream. 

They save up 1000s of dollars, Euros or kapukis (ha! I made that up), to come here and see some big red rocks and kangaroos jumping across the sand dunes.

Lots of them just want to come here and drive for hundreds of kilometres just so they can see nothing at all.

So when you're tempted to whine about the beige carpet in your hotel room, remind yourself where you are and why you came here.

I'm sure it wasn't to admire the carpet.

3. The Service Will Suck

If you tell yourself this before you arrive, then you can't be disappointed when you discover it's true.

Accommodation in Alice Springs often comes with poor service by world standards. There's a lot of reasons for this, but I'll tell you the main ones here:

• It's BLOODY hard to get staff

• Hospitality pay is low and the hours are shitty when compared with many other jobs in Alice Springs

Ok. Not all service sucks in Alice Springs (the Elkira Motel, Dymock's Bookshop and Lone Dingo outdoor shop are standouts).

Just don't expect anyone to lick your boots – but the good thing is: Aussies don't expect tips!

4. Insects. Exist. Get Over It

Many people seem to live in sterile, unnatural, disconnected places where they never see a bug unless it's on a TV documentary.

Well, I've got news for you: Alice Springs is part of the real world.

And in the real world, bugs exist.

What's more, no one has ever died from a cockroach bite or sting. The critters don't bite!

And yes, sometimes you'll see ants in your room. Big deal.

As for spider webs in the corner of your ceiling: GET OUT MORE OFTEN!

A Final Word on Accommodation in Alice Springs

I hope you've got a laugh out of my tongue-in-check review of other people's reviews.

However, the tips about accommodation in Alice Springs are real. The Australian outback is NOT like anywhere else on Earth.

You are a long, long way from any major city, services are limited and it costs more to get food delivered and to convince geo-phobic Aussies to move to Alice Springs to work (many Australians believe they will DIE if they live more than half an hour away from a beach).

Please adjust your expectations downwards by several notches, kick back and enjoy the beer, the sunsets and the Red Centre scenery. Then you'll go home satisfied.